School Jokes

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement.He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades...somebody is going to get a spanking!"
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Teacher: Where is your homework?

Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school 

 

There's Teacher

The children had all been photographed for school pictures, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's teacher; she's dead."

 

What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully).

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking).

 

2nd Graders say Why God Made Moms

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2 She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She se es the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic; they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not m e.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

 

She was Soooooo Blond

She was Soooooooo Blonde.

* She thought a quarterback was a refund

* She thought General Motors was in the army.

* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote

"Sagittarius."

 

 

 

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.

* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

 

 

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She tripped over a cordless phone.

* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said

"Concentrate."

* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

 

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She studied for a blood test.

* She sold the car for gas money.

* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.

* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left,"

she turned around and went home.

 

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes

In Front."

 

 

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

 

 

 

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

 

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

 

 

 

 

Kids say Funny Things

Kids Are Quick

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TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA:       Here it is.
TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS:        Maria.
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TEACHER:  John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:         You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:       K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
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TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD:     Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:     Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:        Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE:          I is..
TEACHER:    No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:           All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'    
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TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.  
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TEACHER:  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:      No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE :       No, sir.  It's the same dog.
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TEACHER:     Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:       A teacher

 

Laughing is Healthy- Kids are so funny

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The  teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human  because     even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.   The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.   Irritated,  the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was  physically impossible.    The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask  Jonah".   The  teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"    The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
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A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.            She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.  The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."   The  teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."    Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,  "They will in a minute."
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A  Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and  six year olds.  After  explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked,  "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and  sisters?"  Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,  "Thou shall not kill."
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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.    She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"    Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me  cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."  The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,  "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying  to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.      "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and  say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a  doctor'   A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher,  she's dead."
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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.  Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my  head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the  face."    "Yes," the class said.    "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the  blood doesn't run into my feet?"  A little fellow shouted,   "Cause your feet ain't empty."
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Church Elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of  apples. The teacher made a note, and posted on the apple tray:                 "Take only ONE . God is watching."   Moving  further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile  of chocolate chip cookies.  A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples