Parents should help their Children to to be innocent and happy. Happiness is a Choice

I truly believe that childhood should be a time of innocence, joy, playfulness, happiness, and lots of love.

Children do not deserve to go through our nervous breakdown with us.

Life happens, Bad things happen and we feel bad, sad, depressed…etc…

We should not take it out emotionally on our children. Let me explain:

Children are sensitive to us. 

This equates all the way up for different ages. We are all sensitive to our parents. Examples:

In the manuals for toddlers for Nursery…usually if the parent drops off the child and has a giant guilt trip and feels really worried that the child will like it…then the child senses their parents fear and cries. If you want your child to truly love nursery then drop them off excited for them and leave...then have your worry or guilt trip out in the hall. You will save them a lot of grief.

This is also why I always bought myself a Christmas Present to open every year in front of the kids just in case I didn’t get one so I wouldn’t ruin Christmas for them. (I always got one and never put it under the tree...but it was just in case I needed to pull it out) I didn’t want them to feel bad that I didn’t get something and was excited also. I was truly excited for them to open their gifts every year…I could care less if I got a gift. The Savior's love plus Their joy WAS my gift….but they were sensitive to me and I wanted to make sure they were truly joyful without doubt or worry about how I felt during this glorious season.

An example of how we experience or view things as a child vs things as an adult:

When I was a child my mom and dad left me at my aunt and uncles to be raised for my own health.    

My aunt is a very giving person and she gave them fruit from her garden that had been bottled. Those bottles took up the place in the car where I had been sitting. The child in my mind equated that to thinking that I had been traded for bottled fruit. After that time, I hated eating bottled fruit. It would physically make me sick for years and years until my adult mind figured out why. Our child like minds perceive differently and personally. So if we are going through a difficult time emotionally (someone hurts our feelings, death, divorce etc….) and when we are depressed, lifeless and without emotion when we are around our children…they can equate that in all sorts of child mind ways; perhaps that we don’t love them, perhaps that we don’t think they are fun to be around, perhaps that we think they are too dumb to enjoy our company….etc…  it almost always hurts them in some way.

So, when we experience a hard time….We need to shake it off and enjoy our children while they are children and ‘to infinity and beyond’ as Buzz  Lightyear would say.

My mother was a wonderful example of that:

My dad was a cool and smart man when he was sober…..but….When I was little my dad would drink alcohol and come home and beat mom and the kids. The emotion was scary and intense…but after he would leave, my mom would assess the damage and if there were no broken bones..etc…then she would excitedly say, “Let’s change the mood in this home!” and she would honky tonk the piano and we would all dance around in joy and delight. What a wonderful woman she was.  

That proved to me that Happiness is a Choice. So choose to be happy for Kids Sake.

Raising Teens

I am not perfect at this…but I do believe we should Listen to our children especially when they are teens. Make sure you practice putting everything down when they walk into the room so you have time for them and look them in the eye. I wasn’t perfect at this as I would sometimes be on the phone and they would burst in the room and need to tell me something. I should have asked my friend to hold or call them back and listen. Sometimes I did and other times I forgot who was most important. 

I also still need to work on not interrupting them when they talk, such as trying to finish their sentences by assuming…or asking them a question before they have finished or completed their thought. This makes it hard for them to have continuous thought. I truly believe in this but have a hard time doing it. I get too impatient and think quickly to fill in the blanks and move right along to the end and beyond before they’ve voiced it.

Another thing I have learned is not to act or react startled when they confess or tell you something they or their friends are doing that might disturb you. You wouldn’t want a Bishop to yell out “You did What?!?!”  Neither should we.

If there needs to be discipline I like to have them help come up with the proper punishment. I found that they would obey better if they helped to create the rules. Example: If they were 10 minutes late on curfew, their curfew was 10 minutes earlier next time. If they called ahead of time and communicated why they would be late and it made sense to me then that was waived.

I have discovered that the most important words to practice saying when you listen to them are: “How do you feel about that?” and  “What are you going to do about that?”

This validates their feelings and empowers them by showing you trust them to make right choices. Remember Christ said to weep with those who weep, he didn’t say cheer them up…so validate their feelings.

Great Book recommendation

“I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better”

by the Lundbergs.

http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Have-Make-Everything-Better/dp/0140286438

Raising Children

Explain what you are doing and be specific – people usually just take for granted that kids should just  understand our reason for telling them to do something… these new spirits coming down are very valiant in the cause for free agency and they want choices. Here are some Examples of things we did that seemed to work well for our children. It might not work into your schedule...but hopefully you can get some ideas:

• Listen to them when they come home...: rather than asking- How was your day at school? They will then answer with one syllable like ‘fine.' Instead ASK:  Did you have fun at recess? Did you have a test? How was your report?  Then listen intently. I like to type the cute things they say in my journal for them on my computer. Get used to them talking and don't tune them out...they are so fun to listen to.
•   I always made dinner at 3:00 when they first got home and was hungry. That 10 minute dinner table became the object of many fun and important conversations.
•  I also got up early and made breakfast and read scriptures in the morning while they were eating,        I had a captive audience for 10 minutes. (It doesn’t take long to eat so I never wanted to miss it)    It seemed to set such a good tone in the home. We read the Book of Mormon every school year for 20 years. I would start in August with  "I Nephi, having been born of goodly parents..." and end with Moroni telling us to get our own testimony in May.   We would take a break in Summer as everyone slept in differently...but I really noticed a difference in how well we got along as a family when we were reading scriptures...it was much much better.
• MINER FAMILY HOME EVENINGS. (This article is in the book "Famous Family Nights" compiled by Anne Bradshaw - the book can be purchased on Amazon)
  
  
  When the children were younger we had regular Family Home Evenings. As a former school teacher I had a lot of visual aids and puppets that we could use to teach the concepts.  All the kids remember and still laugh about the puppet shows because we had this stage made out of cardboard and the children had helped to make the puppets.  
  They would change their voices and use music for the background.
  
  
  At first we as parents taught most all the lessons then, as the children got older they got excited to teach the lessons to the younger children. And now as my younger children are older they can teach the lessons to our grandchildren.
  
  
  Before we had the professional book that the church puts out with FHE guidelines, we would use the “Gospel Principles” book used by the missionaries as a lesson manual for the guide line and then make it fun with treats, songs, games and activities.
  
  
  One year we tried each to share and teach our talents to one another. Dad and the Boys could teach just about any sport and the Girls would teach dancing and Mom could teach singing. We had fun but also grew to appreciate how difficult each talent was.
  
  
  Another year the focus was Emergency Preparedness and Learning Life Skills.
  One lesson was First Aid – We laugh when we see the photos of the children wrapping each other up almost like mummies with bandages. However, two of my children each at different times and later in life actually won awards for life saving skills taught that day.
  
  
  One lesson was on starting our scrapbooks which we have continued to update twice a year as a Conference tradition. I recently called my daughter on a Conference Saturday and she and her daughters were doing their scrapbooks. I hung up the phone with a tear in my eye with memories of my children and seeing that tradition continued.
  
  
  Family Home Evenings have evolved from having a regular time on Monday Night when the children were young…to Sunday Evenings, when children had sports or lessons on Monday. At one point as a busy mother and professional woman with busy children who all pursued their talents we had irregular Family Home Evenings on different nights.
  We would discuss our schedules at Sunday Dinner to see when everyone could get together.
  
  
  As the children grew up to have their own families we would have dinner every Sunday afternoon. One great Home Evening was when each took turns sharing about their Missions. They brought scrapbooks, videos, and told many amazing faith promoting stories.
  
  
  As families moved away and got bigger families, we now try to schedule something once a month with the ones close by; such as Field Trips to the Zoo, Amusement Park, or Camping.
  
  
  I believe you have to enjoy each season of your life and do your best to incorporate the teachings of the Church and follow the Spirit for your family and your situation. The bottom line is they grow up knowing that you have a Testimony and Love the Lord.
  
  

Communicating with Babies

I believe babies are very intelligent. They were just an adult spirit just a few moments ago and might have been very excited, and waited a long time to come to Earth and get a body. The day finally arrives and they didn’t realize that it would be so frustrating that they don’t know how to work this new body when they are in fact so intelligent.

I believe they understand most words especially with the emotions that go with them.

Of course babies cry if they are hungry, wet and uncomfortable and need a new diaper, and/or have a tummy ache or gas.  These are new experiences and might also frighten them because they haven’t had these symptoms that have become common place to those of us who have lived on Earth longer.

I talk to them as if they are an adult and can totally understand me.

I like to explain to them that we all had to come to Earth and get a body and we were all frustrated at one time. I then tell them how wonderful life is and how quickly they will learn and one day they will do something very important. Most babies quit crying and listen intently and seem to totally understand.

When someone new comes over to hold them, I introduce them to the baby…this baby doesn’t know or trust them like you do…how would you feel getting passed over to someone you don’t know. I’d cry too. Example: I am a grandmother and if I see my grandbaby for the first time that they actually focus on me, I tell them, “I am your mommy’s mommy. When your mommy was a baby I took care of her just like she is taking care of you.”  Later if my best friend just picked them up for the first time and is talking baby talk to them, I look at the baby and say, “This is Grandma’s best friend Cindy”   If they were starting to fuss they will usually stop.

During parties or gatherings of any kind, I treat the baby as if they are an adult from a foreign country who doesn’t understand the customs yet. I explain the details to them. They always listen and seem much more comfortable.